If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
