I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
