everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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