rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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