I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
