I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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