Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
