it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
