We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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