I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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