when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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