my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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