is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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