Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize