OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
