Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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