I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
