I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
