how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
