the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
