life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
