Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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