Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
