Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
