this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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