mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
