I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
