My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
