Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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