If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
