I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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