His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
