I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
