it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
