I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
