found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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