Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just blew my weed a kiss
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize