alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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