I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
