I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
