I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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