so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
These tits shall not be calmed
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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