I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
