You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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