i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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