Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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