If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
