Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
