Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize