I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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