saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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