I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
