Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
