it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
