Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
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