just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize