after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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