my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
we're making bets on your personal life
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
