She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
