what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
