My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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