I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
