I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
