Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
