What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
