Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
